Friday, December 10, 2010

Imagine That

Today was what I like to call a very successful day. Not only did I get all my Christmas shopping done, I also managed to get some quality time in with an old friend of mine as well. Now that I'm sitting at home though, my poor knee is not exactly as excited as I am about all the running around that has happened today... In fact, that whole situation is kind of a funny story. In retrospect, of course.

.............It all went something like this............

The day after Thanksgiving, I had to be at my work at the crack of dawn. That means that my alarm clock kindly woke me up a little before 4am. I hate Black Friday. I don't see how people can justify saving 20 dollars and risk the chance of having their eye poked out by some soccer mom in aisle 6 of Target.

Sorry, I digress. After my 9 hour shift at work, I went straight to Kate's house so that we could attend The University of Tulsa's last home football game of the season together. Kate's dad works for the athletic department and he got me a pass to watch the game form the sidelines. Everything was going just dandy until Kate and I decided to get some hot chocolate and some snacks and head up to the athletic offices to watch the game and get out of the blustery, cold weather. We got our nachos and steaming hot chocolates and then the shit hit the fan. I fell. I fell walking up the stairs. I face planted. I wanted to die.

After a few people anxiously asked me if I was okay (whilst I did my best to hide my face) I noticed that my head and clothes were literally drenched in nacho cheese, and scalding hot chocolate. I actually had cheese dripping from my hair. I obviously had to do the walk of shame back to Kate's to shower and wash my clothes. Just to boot, I totally cut up my knee and left a decent baseball sized bruise on it. Ever since, my knee hasn't been the same at all.

Now, I thought that was pretty humiliating, but today my friend Rachel showed me that there are always people in this world who are willing to prove themselves as bigger dumbasses than myself. Anyways, whilst driving around town Rachel nonchalantly informed me that she pulled a muscle in her arm while playing guitar. She then went on to add that she was in front of a large group of people. But really, all in all, that was the extent of her explanations. I had just begun to mull over the unfortunate nature of this injury when something occurred to me. Rachel doesn't even play the guitar. When I asked her about this she stated, like it was no big deal that she "pulled it playing an imaginary guitar." SHE PULLED HER MUSCLE PLAYING AIR GUITAR, and the fact that she was so willing to share the nature of this asinine injury was just icing on the cake. I cannot even. You win, okay Rachel? You win...

Let's just say that I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Anti-Bucket List

Most people wouldn't consider me to be the most "positive" person around, but who needs positivity when you have a scathing sense of realism. Now, in light of the Holiday Season, I wouldn't want to disappoint you by being all cheery, so I've decided to put together a compilation of things I would  could never do. Ever. Since my last post was dwelling on my impending age and eventual doom, I am bound and determined to spend the rest of my life with an air of dignity. I mean, I may know how to make a fool out of myself quite efficiently, but I will be damned if I ever wear a pair of Crocs. So here it goes, the top 10 things I will never do before I die.

10. As previously stated, I will never don a pair of Crocs. If there is a heaven, then these friggin' things are the deepest, darkest hollows of footwear hell. As for the proponents of Crocs, who seem to think comfort and simplicity are reasons enough to wear the damn things, I have one statement for you... You know what else is functional and comfy? A coffin...

Actually, not so hard to believe at all.

9. I will never sing Karaoke. Never. There is not enough alcohol on the face of this planet to get me stupid enough to sing bad songs, badly... in public. There really isn't much to add to this statement. I know everyone LOVES karaoke, but I would rather drive bamboo shoots under my finger nails (r.i.p. Sayiid.) then subject myself to this humiliation. Even if I could sing, I wouldn't be stupid enough to think that people would want to hear it. You know why I watch Karaoke? To make fun of people. Including you.

8. I will never do the chicken dance. No Oktoberfest, wedding, or Bar Mitzvah could ever warrant the opportunity for this "dance" to be appropriated in my mind. You know what? I take that back... I'll do the chicken dance 'til I can't feel my feet when I see a chicken doing the people dance. It's just stupid, and a thousand years from now, a higher thinking human will be judging us on this.

7. I will never own a KIA, Isuzu, Mitsubishi, or Saturn. Frankly, I just don't feel like dying. I would rather walk everywhere than drive any of these cars. Besides, If I ever did invest in one of this shit-tins, I would probably end up walking everywhere anyways.

6. I will never get a memorial/portrait tattoo. The idea of having someones sadly rendered face somewhere on my body is so depressing. There are websites dedicated to this sort of thing... It's just a bad idea all around.

So sad... In all the wrong ways.

5. I will never wear leggings as pants. In my eyes, and most everybody else's, leggings are the equivalent of wearing pantyhose with the feet cut off. Call me old fashioned, but my shirts will always cover my ass. Unless you are a proverbial lady of the night, there is no excuse for doing otherwise, and even then, the faux fur vests usually do the job.

Same Difference

4. I will never post one of those stupid quizzes on facebook. Because, let's be honest, we both know that you just don't give shit. And for the record, I don't care what your horoscope says either.

3. I will never go to a fortune teller. First of all, I wouldn't believe anything I heard from them. Secondly, I would never want to hear that I will "never find happiness unless I learn to slow down my life," or that "there is a chance that something possibly involving food will happen on Thanksgiving one year." Thirdly, who would want to put a timeline on their life anyways!? Puh-lease.
The only fortunes I ever rely on.

2. I will never concede control over the decoration of my Christmas tree. Alex and Kate can attest to my nearly neurotic obsession with the perfection that is my Christmas Tree. I can't help it, and I don't know what comes over me... It just has to be the way I envision it, or Christmas will be ruined and Jesus can't be born.

1. Eat shit. I would never do that.

Monday, December 6, 2010

You Can Run, But You Can't Hide.

Has it really been 2 months since I've updated this thing? I can't believe time has passed so fast! With tomorrow being the last day of my semester, I can honestly say it has been the craziest 16 weeks of my life. I'm not going to assume that you care, but in case you were wondering, here are a few things that have happened in the past couple months. No DeLorean needed.

1. Andy joined the annual Brady Party bash... Dressed as a wolf in sheep's clothing black sheep. Kate and I were Rockford Peaches from "A League of their Own." We owned the night.

The three musketeers.
2. My internship began and ended. I was placed in an "urban" school with a 99% poverty rate. I really and truly loved my kiddos. However, that school was hell. It's no wonder why American education is more than lacking. Those children deserve better.
3. I still love my major (to my parents relief)
4. I'm going to Constantinople/Istanbul for Spring Break with my dear friend Arianna among other Greeks.
5. Sephora's retail Holiday season has begun. My soul is broken.

Anyone can master the look of "Holiday Hooker!"
6. I've mastered the art of falling up the stairs in public. I've also mastered the art of wearing nacho cheese and hot chocolate in my hair. My knee disapproves.
7. I've finally watched Sleepless in Seattle. So basically that means everyone can stop going "OH MY GOD, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE!?" Really, just stop it.

I miss the 90's.
9. I was employee of the month for October.... Hilarious.
10. My Dog has turned 12 years old. What a spry little fur-nugget.
11. My very adorable parents just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary... And all I got was this stupid t-shirt.
12. Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead have begun and finished as well. Top chef all stars will be my new guilty TV pleasure.

In other news, the darkest day of my life is slowly creeping upon me.... Yes my friends, it's my 22nd birthday next week. I always love, love, love, love my birthday (seeing as how I'm such a humble soul) but this year it hit me. I'll be 22. Twenty-two! I have nothing else to live for. I mean, I have lots of living to do, but nothing to actually look forward to. After 21, things just start going downhill fast. No more milestones that don't have to do with impending colonoscopies or euphemisms dealing with my inevitable death. My cousin, Clare, whom I love dearly, took one of those quizzes on facebook regarding myself... This is what it said.

So sweet, yet so fatalist.
I mean, It's not like it's not true. Funny and true.... But still. 

It's a good thing I have Kate to remind me that at 25 I can legally rent a car... Oh joy... Until then, I just have to brace myself for good ol' 22.

But look at all the storage!