Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Anti-Bucket List

Most people wouldn't consider me to be the most "positive" person around, but who needs positivity when you have a scathing sense of realism. Now, in light of the Holiday Season, I wouldn't want to disappoint you by being all cheery, so I've decided to put together a compilation of things I would  could never do. Ever. Since my last post was dwelling on my impending age and eventual doom, I am bound and determined to spend the rest of my life with an air of dignity. I mean, I may know how to make a fool out of myself quite efficiently, but I will be damned if I ever wear a pair of Crocs. So here it goes, the top 10 things I will never do before I die.

10. As previously stated, I will never don a pair of Crocs. If there is a heaven, then these friggin' things are the deepest, darkest hollows of footwear hell. As for the proponents of Crocs, who seem to think comfort and simplicity are reasons enough to wear the damn things, I have one statement for you... You know what else is functional and comfy? A coffin...

Actually, not so hard to believe at all.

9. I will never sing Karaoke. Never. There is not enough alcohol on the face of this planet to get me stupid enough to sing bad songs, badly... in public. There really isn't much to add to this statement. I know everyone LOVES karaoke, but I would rather drive bamboo shoots under my finger nails (r.i.p. Sayiid.) then subject myself to this humiliation. Even if I could sing, I wouldn't be stupid enough to think that people would want to hear it. You know why I watch Karaoke? To make fun of people. Including you.

8. I will never do the chicken dance. No Oktoberfest, wedding, or Bar Mitzvah could ever warrant the opportunity for this "dance" to be appropriated in my mind. You know what? I take that back... I'll do the chicken dance 'til I can't feel my feet when I see a chicken doing the people dance. It's just stupid, and a thousand years from now, a higher thinking human will be judging us on this.

7. I will never own a KIA, Isuzu, Mitsubishi, or Saturn. Frankly, I just don't feel like dying. I would rather walk everywhere than drive any of these cars. Besides, If I ever did invest in one of this shit-tins, I would probably end up walking everywhere anyways.

6. I will never get a memorial/portrait tattoo. The idea of having someones sadly rendered face somewhere on my body is so depressing. There are websites dedicated to this sort of thing... It's just a bad idea all around.

So sad... In all the wrong ways.

5. I will never wear leggings as pants. In my eyes, and most everybody else's, leggings are the equivalent of wearing pantyhose with the feet cut off. Call me old fashioned, but my shirts will always cover my ass. Unless you are a proverbial lady of the night, there is no excuse for doing otherwise, and even then, the faux fur vests usually do the job.

Same Difference

4. I will never post one of those stupid quizzes on facebook. Because, let's be honest, we both know that you just don't give shit. And for the record, I don't care what your horoscope says either.

3. I will never go to a fortune teller. First of all, I wouldn't believe anything I heard from them. Secondly, I would never want to hear that I will "never find happiness unless I learn to slow down my life," or that "there is a chance that something possibly involving food will happen on Thanksgiving one year." Thirdly, who would want to put a timeline on their life anyways!? Puh-lease.
The only fortunes I ever rely on.

2. I will never concede control over the decoration of my Christmas tree. Alex and Kate can attest to my nearly neurotic obsession with the perfection that is my Christmas Tree. I can't help it, and I don't know what comes over me... It just has to be the way I envision it, or Christmas will be ruined and Jesus can't be born.

1. Eat shit. I would never do that.

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