Sunday, July 1, 2012

Foresight Without the Future

When I was little, I would often sit and daydream about what my life would be like as an adult...At least, this is when I was naive enough to think that my early twenties actually warranted the title of adulthood. In my young, wistful mind I had it all figured out. I would be married, with children, by 28. My steady, power-driven job would pay me a hefty, yet substantiated salary. I would move away from Tulsa to a bigger and more worldy city. My varied travels would make me cultured and knowledgeable, yet sympathetic to the plights and needs of others.

Well, guess what.....? My elementary school self would have kittens if she knew how things actually turn out.

I'm at a point in my life where I need want direction. As little as two months ago, I still somehow managed to believe that I had my life all figured out. I am as passionate about education as I could ever imagine being, and I know I'll be great at my job (my completely hypothetical job, that is), but I'm in a serious rut right now. 

I feel like everyone and their dog has had an amazingly revelatory year. I, however, feel like the same person that I was last year- but with a degree. My best friends seem to know where they are going. Their trajectories are set, and over the past year or so, they have been presented with opportunities that have taken them to a new place in their lives. People that I've grown up with are beginning to get married and have babies... in that order.... and on purpose.... It's all very unnerving and very exciting at the same time.

I don't believe in fate, but I do believe that God has a plan, of sorts, for each of us. My question and fear is, what if my aspirations in this world are not aligned with what I'm supposed to do with my life? I feel uneasy about the future. I don't know if I'm missing my calling- not that I have any inkling as to what that calling may be. Although I know what I want my calling to be, how can I be sure I'm not missing out on something that I may be better at or happier doing. Do I wait for a sign, or do I take my chances and just go for it? I'm not self-centered enough to think I'm the only person who's ever thought of these things before, so someone out there must have some answers. I guess it all boils down to this; how do you stop existing and start living? I know that I can do great things with my life. I know that I can multiply my talents and bring something more to the table. What I don't know, is how you actually take a leap.... and which way to jump.

When in doubt, Cross it out.

A very wise person recently brought up the notion that The Faith is directly concerned with the present; the Kingdom of God is here and now, and it resides in all of us. I loved hearing this... but it also scared me a little bit. I realized that I'm spending so much time concerning myself with my future, that I might be missing my present. I don't want to be the only thing standing in my way. I need to be grateful for what I have before what I have can be multiplied.

So, I can't promise myself that I'll live in the moment 100% of the time, but I can certainly try. Maybe my answers actually do lie in the present. I wish things could be like the Book of Daniel and the Hand of God would come down from the heavens and write a clear, unambiguous, grammatically correct message on my wall (granted I would like it to be under less macabre circumstances).

Okay, so I know that that is unlikely, but I am hopeful that something will come my way that will reaffirm my calling. Until then, it's all about the here and now.


Speaking of signs... I just stumbled upon this Bible passage, and I will leave this inner-discussion at this....

"She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future..."
-Proverbs 31:25

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